


Unable to Let Go

by Sommungchi2000



Category: Jeon Somi - Fandom, K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack Relationships, F/M, Idol AU, Implied Sexual Content, Lack of Communication, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Relationship Issues, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sommungchi2000/pseuds/Sommungchi2000
Summary: “So is this how you want it to be? Please don’t do this to me. I love you. Please don’t break my heart, Jeon Somi.” Taeyong repeatedly begged, grabbing her hands as he looked into her eyes, obsidian meeting honey.She bit her lower lip, forcing herself not to cry as she looked down at her feet. With all the cruelty she could muster, she just said with a bitter smile on her face, “Why not? You broke mine after all.”
Relationships: Ennik Somi Douma | Jeon Somi/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on Ao3. I would like to preface that this is a crack ship but I am bored and it's quarantine, so why not? I love Jeon Somi and I thought it would be interesting to write about her as the main character, primarily because I see her as a side-character for quite a lot of the fanfics here. And this is a lot angstier than what I usually write, but there is a first time for everything. I hope you enjoy it.

“Thank you so much for all your love and support! Sommungchi, thank you for believing in me and waiting for so long! I promise that from now on, I will work even harder to be deserving!” Jeon Somi exclaimed in both English and Korean, tears of joy rolling down her face, as she accepted the trophy and flowers from the hosts and basked in the applause of the audience. 

She had finally done it-she won her first music show as a soloist. She was on an absolute high. Quickly blinking away the remaining tears, Somi smiled gratefully at the other performers who congratulated her on the win. She did an excited spin as the victory confetti fell, eliciting affectionate laughs from the audience and artists alike. 

As her backup dancers poured onto the stage to share her victory, per her insistence, the other performers slowly shuffled back to their dressing rooms, ready to call it a day. In the diminishing crowd, as she twirled and laughed joyfully, she suddenly felt fingers brush up against her right hand. Startled, she turned around, and then she met eyes with him. 

Saying nothing, he just left with the rest of his group but not before shooting a small smirk only privy to her, accentuating his handsome features. Blushing, she was brought out of her reverie when one of her backup dancer unnies signaled for her to start singing. By then, he had already left.

Turning an even brighter shade of vermillion, she sheepishly grinned and started singing an encore, her right hand still tingling with the sensation of his fingers. 

‘I will deal with him later.’

-

She was absolutely magnetic; a firework crackling with energy, someone who could easily command the attention of every man in the room with just her smile. 

To him, Jeon Somi was like a ray of sunshine on a bleak, cloudy day. 

“Thank you so much for all your love and support! Sommungchi, thank you for believing in me and waiting for so long! I promise that from now on, I will work even harder to be deserving!” She exclaimed in both English and Korean, tears of joy rolling down her face as an elated smile graced her beautiful features. 

Lee Taeyong of the famous boy band NCT 127 along with his fellow members clapped politely as she accepted the trophy and flowers from the hosts. Although he was disappointed at not winning, seeing her so happy made him content. 

He stared at Somi unabashedly, drinking in the sight of her dancing as the confetti fell. Movements fluid yet sharp, a beautiful smile accentuated by the spotlight, she was a goddess. 

The problem was that the other members thought the same way too. 

“Hyung, she’s really hot.” He could hear Mark excitedly whisper to Johnny. Turning around, Taeyong could see the hearts coming out of his eyes. Clicking his tongue in what he hoped sounded like paternal disapproval, Taeyong glared at Mark, causing the younger to immediately quietened. 

He looked back at her, appraising her outfit. She was wearing a sequined bodycon dress, accentuating her curves. He noticed the eyes of every man in the room directed towards her, starstruck and predatory at the same time. Sighing exasperatedly, he motioned for the other members to leave the stage with him. As they returned to their dressing room, he took the opportunity to brush his hand against hers. 

She jolted in surprise as she turned to face him. Their eyes meeting for a brief second, he was tempted to kiss her for the whole world to see. But he stopped himself. He simply smirked, unnoticeable to everyone but her. He quickly caught up with the rest of his members, leaving her to do the encore performance. 

Hearing her loud and joyful laughter, he could only chuckle. ‘Cute.’

-  
Lee Taeyong involuntarily shivered against the gentle summer breeze as he waited patiently on the rooftop of the building. While it was off-limits normally, he knew that it was a common spot for idols to avoid being seen by the public. Hearing footsteps behind him, he immediately turned around and saw the person who he had been waiting for. She changed out of the bodycon dress, opting to wear a comfortable T-shirt and jeans. She was still beautiful though.

“I am sorry for keeping you waiting. I could not get away from my staff.” Somi apologized, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

“I wanted to-”She was interrupted by Taeyong’s lips pressed against hers as he pushed her up against the wall, his arms circling around her waist. Sighing, she returned the kiss with just as much passion, wrapping her own arms around her neck as she played with his soft locks. 

“I missed you.”He whispered into her ear, gently nibbling on her earlobe. 

Jeon Somi and Lee Taeyong were each other’s best-kept secrets. Since having met each other three years ago for the first time in a music show, they had progressed from being friends to lovers over that course of time. No one, including their closest friends, knew of their relationship. That was one of the agreements they had made when they first got together. However, while that did have its benefits in terms of their professional lives, it took its toll numerous times. 

Their relationship was tumultuous, to say the least. Professional obligations and conflicting schedules drove them apart numerous times. Jealousy, also rearing its ugly head, contributed to their struggles. Seeing their friends and colleagues practically salivate over them was always a point of contention, to the point where harsh words were exchanged and things were thrown around in Somi’s apartment. 

Hearts were broken and tears were shed, but at the end of the day, the sheer force of their love and desire for one another won out. 

Somi gasped as Taeyong started to kiss the crook of her neck. He slid his hand underneath her shirt, lightly tracing his fingers along her waist. She arched her back and delightedly hummed, having missed his touch. But in spite of the wonderful sensation, she gently pushed him away.

As he looked at her, confused, she cleared her throat, “Oppa, we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“About...this. About us.” She mumbled, trying to avoid eye contact out of guilt. “Do you think we can keep doing this?”

“What do you mean? We have been doing this for almost a year now, Somi-yah.” He cocked his eyebrow in confusion. “And it has been working.”

She now looked at him, mirroring his confused expression. “Has it really? No one, and I mean, no one, knows about us. I feel like a criminal, sneaking around like this constantly. And it’s so frustrating to not be able to tell my friends about this either.”

He sighed exasperatedly, not knowing what to say. Running his fingers through his hair, he responded, “So are you suggesting we break up again? But we just got back together and I love you, Jeon Somi. I-”

“I know about Seulgi eonnie.”She abruptly interrupted him, tears of both anger and sadness forming in her eyes. ‘Don’t cry, Somi. Stop being a baby.’ She inwardly chided herself as she blinked them back and faced him, expression as cold as she could muster.

“Who told you?”Taeyong growled, causing her to step back in surprise. This was unlike him. But she held her ground. Scoffing, she coldly replied, all warmth gone, now surprising him. “Who do you think? Eonnie kept on raving about how good you were in bed. I wanted to pull her hair out. But I stopped myself.”

“Somi, we were broken up! You wouldn’t answer any of my calls or texts. I drank myself into a stupor. And then Seulgi noona-” 

“I know we were broken up. But the fact that you would do that, drunk or not...I am sorry, I can’t.”She yelled, tears now rolling down her face. 

“So is this how you want it to be? Please don’t do this to me. I love you. Please don’t break my heart, Jeon Somi.” He repeatedly begged, grabbing her hands as he looked into her eyes, obsidian meeting honey. 

She bit her lower lip, forcing herself not to cry as she looked down at her feet.

She knew it wasn’t completely his fault. She knew she was being irrational. She knew he was telling the truth when he said that he was absolutely in love with her.

She loved him too. Madly, irrevocably, to the point where it enveloped her complete being. 

But she was also tired. 

Tired of having to look for stupid excuses to see him.

Tired of being scolded by her staff for not being able to focus because she spent hours the night before, fighting with him over some random issue. 

Tired of questioning whether Lee Taeyong was truly hers in the first place when there were girls like Seulgi, gifted with more beauty and talent than she could ever have, vying for his attention. 

With all the cruelty she could muster, she just said with a bitter smile on her face, “Why not? You broke mine after all.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Taeyong.” Johnny pulled his friend aside after dance practice, worry clearly etched on his face.

“Yeah, Johnny? What’s up?” 

Hesitating before taking a deep sigh, Johnny explained, “You seem...not yourself lately. This past week, you look really out of it. You keep spacing out and you don’t seem to be getting enough sleep or food either.”

Frowning, Taeyong replied, “I appreciate your concern, Johnny, but I am fine. You’re just seeing things.”

Mirroring the expression on Taeyong’s face, Johnny shot back. “Dude, it’s not just me. It’s everyone. I was just the one who had the guts to confront you about it.” 

Running his fingers through his hair, Johnny continued, “Look, Taeyong, we have been friends for almost ten years. I can tell when something is bothering you. Is it Seulgi noona? Because I know since you hooked up-”

“Don’t mention her name to me!”Taeyong growled angrily, causing Johnny to flinch. Regaining his composure, Taeyong sighed, “Johnny, I really do appreciate your concern. I do. But I am fine. Besides, we don’t have time to talk about this. We have to go to the music show recording soon. Let’s focus on that, shall we?”

Taeyong walked away from a shocked Johnny, wanting to scream. 

‘Stupid, stupid, stupid! Lee Taeyong, why couldn’t you have controlled your temper when Johnny mentioned Seulgi?’ 

Biting the inside of his lip until he could taste the metallic tang of blood, he blinked away the angry tears forming in his eyes. “Somi…”He whispered under his breath.

In actuality, Johnny was right. Taeyong felt like absolute shit. For the past week, he had been replaying the events of that night. That cold expression on Somi’s face, that bitter smile, every part of that incident was seared into his mind, painful but never-ending. He called her numerous times since that night but she never picked up. 

‘Just as well.’He thought to himself. ‘She deserves so much better anyway.’

He remembered the first time they had met. While Taeyong obviously knew of her before-who didn’t know the nation’s center?-the first time he saw her in person, she ran into him like a bulldozer. 

Literally. 

He had gone to get some water from the fountain and as he filled up his bottle, he heard a girl’s laughter, as loud and clear as a bell. It was tantalizing. 

Looking around to discover the source, she saw him and his eyes could not look away. Unlike many of the female idols who he had met before, run-of-the-mill pretty girls who presented a demure and simpering image to get his attention, there she was, an explosion of energy, laughing boisterously as she bolted from one place to another to avoid being caught by her male co-host. 

Her long dark hair flowed as she ran and her smile, wide and pearly as a smile can be, reminded him of a rainbow forming after the end of a light summer rain.

She was mesmerizing. 

Taeyong could have easily stared at her forever, had she not collided with him, causing them to fall on the ground, lips touching for a moment, unnoticeable to everyone but them. 

While it was certainly not Taeyong’s first kiss, it was his most memorable. Her lips were soft and plump, her lip gloss reminding him of strawberries. 

He wanted more. 

Somi immediately got up, face ablaze with embarrassment, as she apologized profusely. “I am so sorry. I honestly did not see you. I will be more careful next time.”

Taeyong reassuringly smiled at her, telling her that it was okay. The look of relief and the bright grin that subsequently followed caused him to chuckle indulgently. 

“Thank you so much, Taeyong-sshi. Once again, I am sorry. I will see you later.”She bowed to him one last time and waved before rejoining her host, teasing each other as they walked away. 

Taeyong just touched his lips and silently smiled, before going back to the dressing room. 

The romantic in Taeyong ached to know this beautiful girl but the realist in him thought it was not possible-they were from two different worlds, after all. 

But when his manager gave him a note from a ‘pretty girl’ which had a phone number scribbled on it, he could not believe his eyes. Still skeptical, in the privacy of his room, he called the number, eyes widening at the familiar voice at the other end of the line. 

“Hello?”

“Taeyong-sshi, hi. This is Jeon Somi, the girl who bumped into you earlier. I just wanted to apologize to you once again.”

“Somi-sshi, you’re honestly fine. You do not need to apologize.” He reassured, stifling the affectionate chuckle.

“Oh, no, I feel so bad. I want to make it up to you. Could I buy you some ice cream?”

Taeyong wanted to say yes right away but being the smart leader he was, he hesitated. 

While the idea of meeting this girl in a non-professional setting was tempting, if the paparazzi got a hold of this, they would have a field day, especially given their age difference. Both their careers could be in jeopardy. But before he could voice his concerns, Somi beat him to the punch.

“No strings attached, of course. I would like to be your friend, that’s all. And if it is privacy you are worried about, I know a place. It’s very discreet.”

Friend. 

He frowned at that word. But it was realistic, given the circumstances. She was only sixteen, innocent and naive; the epitome of a social butterfly. She could have no ulterior motives. Being the older one, he had to remind himself of their age difference and prevent his imagination from running too wild.

Besides, he could use some friends, as their CEO recommended. 

“Sure. What time?”

-  
Taeyong stared into the mirror, frowning at how tired he looked in spite of all the makeup. Pinching his cheek in an effort to wake up, he looked around the room to count out his team members. Everyone seemed to be there except for Mark. 

“Where’s Mark?”

“He said he was going to go get some water. Although that was also fifteen minutes ago.”Johnny answered.

Frown deepening, with an exasperated sigh, Taeyong walked out of the room to go look for the younger man. 

“Where could he be? He usually isn’t-” Taeyong stopped dead in his tracks to see a shy Mark talking to Somi. HIS Somi.

“S-so what do you say, Somi-shhi? W-will you go on a date with me?”Mark asked with a stammer, not being able to look at Somi directly because of embarrassment. 

“I-”Somi stopped to meet eyes with an unhappy Taeyong for a moment. Unreadable expression on her face, she sighed and then looked at Mark, a bright smile forming on her lips. “I would love to. Here, give me your phone. I will put down my number.”

As Taeyong clenched his fists, all he could see was rage. But he calmed himself down as he walked up to them. “Mark.”He called out curtly. “We are up in twenty minutes.”

“Ah, hyung.”Mark said, a sheepish yet triumphant smile on his face. “Right, okay. Let’s go. Somi-shhi, I will call you later.”

Mark bowed to her and then proceeded to skip down the hallway, happy as one could be. Taeyong, on the other hand, looked back at Somi who just stared at him defiantly before following the younger man. 

-

Guys with tough and quintessentially manly images. 

That’s what sixteen-year-old Somi found attractive in most of the men she had had a crush on so far. 

With the exception of Lee Taeyong. 

Although physically, he was far from the men she typically considered her type, when she first laid eyes on him at an awards show, she could not stop staring.

He was certainly handsome, having been touted as one of the industry’s strongest visuals. But underneath that conventional beauty, the man had a je ne sais quoi to him that Somi found absolutely irresistible. 

His seemingly responsible and caring nature also did not help in dissipating her crush-at night, underneath the warmth and privacy of her covers, she used to dreamily sigh as she watched videos of him taking care of his members, adorable smiles and affectionate gestures aplenty.

She was head over heels.

But she knew it was impossible. He was the talented leader of SM Entertainment’s newest group, considered perfect by many people. 

She, on the other hand, was just a child.

A spunky, energetic child that people found entertaining but a child nonetheless. Why would he find her attractive, out of all the women who must throw themselves at him?

She shook her head, driving those thoughts away as she focused her attention on Wooseok, her co-host for the music show she was MC’ing. One moment of good-natured teasing led to another, and soon Somi found herself running away from Wooseok, trying her best not to get caught.

She looked back and laughed at her co-host who was an arm’s length away from her. Squealing, she gained speed, only to collide on someone, their lips touching for a brief moment. 

Quickly gaining her composure, she realized that it was none other than Lee Taeyong himself. Somi immediately got up, face ablaze with embarrassment, as she apologized profusely. “I am so sorry. I honestly did not see you. I will be more careful next time.”

‘Stupid, stupid, stupid. Ennik Somi Douma, you really screwed up this time.’She cursed herself in her head but when Taeyong reassuringly smiled at her, she sighed both in relief and awe as she admired his features closely. 

“Thank you so much, Taeyong-sshi. Once again, I am sorry. I will see you later.”She grinned at him, thankful that he did not take offence. Bowing to him one last time, she waved before rejoining Wooseok.

“You are such a klutz, Jeon Somi.”Wooseok teased as they walked back to the green room.

“Well, this wouldn’t have happened if you just caught me earlier, slowpoke.”Somi retorted, sticking out her tongue. However, all she could really think about was the fact that Taeyong’s lips tasted like green tea ice cream.

-

“This was a mistake. Somi, what on earth were you thinking giving your phone number to his MANAGER?” Somi admonished herself, staring at her phone screen in the hope of a phone call. But there was no call. 

‘His manager probably threw it away. Or worse yet, he could have thrown it away.’ She pouted at the possibility, screaming into her pillow in embarrassment and regret.

Just then, she got a call from an unknown number. Eyes widening, she stared at it for a moment. ‘It could just be a spam caller.’She reasoned to herself but then throwing that reasoning out the window, she took the call, inwardly squealing as she recognized the familiar voice at the other end of the line. 

“Hello?”

Taking a deep breath, she responded, “Taeyong-sshi, hi. This is Jeon Somi, the girl who bumped into you earlier. I just wanted to apologize to you once again.”

“Somi-sshi, you’re honestly fine. You do not need to apologize.” He sounded so genuinely reassuring and sweet. It made her melt. 

“Oh, no, I feel so bad. I want to make it up to you. Could I buy you some ice cream?”

Then, there it was, deafening silence. Although it was only for a few moments, to Somi, it felt like eternity. She must have made him feel very uncomfortable. After all, they were both relatively new to the industry and she was also six years younger than he was. The paparazzi and the netizens would have crucified them, especially him.

She did not want another Wooseok incident. 

Biting her lip, she interjected before he could respond. “No strings attached, of course. I would like to be your friend, that’s all. And if it is privacy you are worried about, I know a place. It’s very discreet.”

Another deafening silence. ‘He’s definitely going to say no.’She sighed, gritting her teeth in trepidation. 

But to her surprise, he said yes.

“Sure. What time?”

After confirming the details and ending the call in a polite way, she pumped her fist in the air and excitedly danced around her room, excited for what was to come. 

-  
Cut to three years later, nineteen-year-old Somi stared at herself in the mirror, her eyes puffy from having cried the past few days. 

She missed Taeyong.

She missed talking to him. She missed cuddling with him under the sheets, him placing feathery kisses on her face and neck. She even missed his awkward sense of humor and terrible dad jokes.

However, she could not go back. That would make her weak. And a whole new cycle of constant arguments and insecurity would resume. She was tired. ‘It needed to stop,’ she keeps telling herself.  
But a part of her gnawed at her, pleading with her to look at this from Taeyong’s perspective. Ignoring that little part of her, she shuffled out of her dressing room to clear her head. Once outside, she saw that an attractive young man around her age was waiting outside for her, not being able to look at her directly.

She immediately recognized him. It was Mark, one of Taeyong’s groupmates and her beloved eonnie Mina’s best friend. 

Well, not so much best friend as it was an awkward intermediary between colleague and friend after Mark politely rejected Mina’s feelings for him and subsequently friendzoned her. Things were admittedly better after some time but even to this day, Mina cannot talk about her friendship with Mark without cringing. 

In the present, Somi stared at Mark who looked down at his feet, scratching his head in embarrassment. 

“Yes, Mark-sshi, is everything alright? What brings you here to my dressing room?”She asked politely, attempting to establish eye contact with him yet unable to do so. 

“S-Somi-sshi,”He stuttered, finally making eye contact with her, although his face was ablaze. “I think you’re really p-pretty. A-And I think I like you. S-so what do you say, Somi-shhi? W-will you go on a date with me?”

Somi stepped back in surprise, clearly taken aback. This was not something she had ever expected. Or wanted. Mark was certainly very easy on the eyes but she did not like him like that. And she knew that Mina, in spite of her reassurances, will not be happy with this. 

Somi knew she had to say no. “I-”She stopped to meet eyes with an unhappy Taeyong for a moment. 

From the way he clenched his jaw and fist, Somi could tell that he was jealous. A burst of irrationality suddenly overcame Somi. 

‘I want to give him a taste of his own medicine.’She thought. ‘I want him to hurt like I did. Even if it is through this person who is admittedly very nice.’

Looking back at a nervous Mark, she smiled brightly at him. “I would love to. Here, give me your phone. I will put down my number.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Somi could tell that Taeyong had gotten much angrier. But the leader that he was, he did not seem to show it. “Mark. We are up in twenty minutes.”He said curtly.  
“Ah, hyung.”Mark said, a sheepish yet triumphant smile on his face. “Right, okay. Let’s go. Somi-shhi, I will call you later.” He bowed 

Mark bowed to her and then proceeded to skip down the hallway, happy as one could be. Taeyong, on the other hand, stared at her with an intense expression on his face as he followed the younger man. She stared back at him defiantly, not allowing her gaze to break from his. 

The irrational part of her, the part that dominated how she felt, wanted him to hurt. To get a taste of his own medicine. But the tiny part that dissented forewarned her that this was wrong and that this would only hurt everyone involved, directly or not.

But she pushed that part down, going back to her dressing room to prepare for her performance, ignoring the migraine forming in her head.


	3. Chapter 3

Somi went to get a snack out of the vending machines when someone grabbed her and pulled her into the nearby storage closet. Initially readying her fist to punch her assailant, in the dim light, she realized that it was none other than an angry Taeyong.

“What the fuck, Jeon Somi?”Taeyong growled, causing her to be taken aback at the sheer rage in his voice. 

Quickly regaining composure, she retorted, “I should say the same thing to you. You do realize that this is insane.”

Ignoring her statement, he gripped her shoulders, gaze piercing. He asked, “Why did you agree to go out with Mark?”

She looked down at her shoes, flustered at the way he stared at her. But she could not back down. 

Taking a deep breath, she stared back at him and said, “He’s cute. And seems nice. Plus, you and I aren’t together anymore, so why do you care about who I go out with?”

What Taeyong did next completely took Somi off guard. He pushed her up against the wall, pinning her with his arms, his face dangerously close to hers. “Because I love you, damn it! I hate seeing you with other guys, much less my groupmate and friend. It hurts...it, it just hurts me.”He exclaimed, his voice choking with emotion. “Do you not love me too, Somi?”

Somi bit the inside of her lip until she could taste the metallic tang of her blood, trying her best to prevent the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. All she wanted to do then was to wrap her arms around him and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. To reassuringly whisper that she loved him too and that she was his forever. 

But whenever she looked at him, she was reminded of the fact that girls like Seulgi, girls who with their beauty and talent put many to shame, were vying for his attention. 

It hurt her pride immensely. It made her irrationally angry to the point of wanting him to feel the hurt that she felt. 

But she knew that Lee Taeyong deserved someone who had the public stamp of approval. Someone who everyone could acknowledge as a good partner for one of the industry’s up-and-comers. Someone who would not hurt him or his career.

Someone like Seulgi or Chungha or any of the numerous female celebrities the public declared that he would look good with.

Not someone like her. 

Besides, even without the crippling anxiety and low self-esteem, she knew that the foundation of secrecy that this relationship was built on was unhealthy for both her and Taeyong. If they were to go down this road, it would be yet another cycle of jealousy and insecurities just rearing their ugly heads. It would be naive of her to think that they could be together under the current circumstances. 

Sighing, she let her hands linger for a moment before gently pushing him away. “Oppa, I cannot do this right now. I...I just can’t.” She quickly ran out the door, leaving a saddened Taeyong behind.

-

‘You should have kissed her, Lee Taeyong.’ Taeyong thought. ‘Why didn’t you?’

Closing his eyes, he resumed replaying that incident in his mind. He knew Somi well enough to know that she still felt the same way about him; the way she bit the inside of her lip, the way her eyes shimmered with unshed tears, and even the way she hesitated before pushing him away. 

Maybe, he mused, if he had kissed her, she would have given him another chance. And she would not be going out with Mark the next day. 

Groaning in frustration, he took a deep breath and walked out of the room where he saw an excited Mark telling the other members about his plans for tomorrow. 

“We’re going to have lunch at this restaurant that’s right in between our dorm and her apartment, so it's an equal walking distance. And then, we are going to the arcade and after that, we’re going to this really good dessert place that’s known to be ‘idol-friendly’...”Mark rambled excitedly, much to the amusement of the members.

Well, except Taeyong. He was quite close to strangling Mark and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was someone who Taeyong immensely cared for, he might have already done so. 

Simply ignoring the excited conversation, Taeyong made his way to the kitchen to get something to drink but a remark from Johnny made him stop dead in his tracks.

“Who knows, Mark? You might even get your first kiss.”Johnny teased, earning a punch to the arm by a flustered Mark. 

“Shut up, Johnny hyung. Just thinking a-about it...I-”Mark was interrupted by the loud slam of a door.

“What’s up with Taeyong hyung?”Mark asked, the other members shrugging in response. 

-

‘You can cancel, Somi. There’s still time.’Somi thought as she stared at her closet, wincing as the migraine from the night that she agreed to go out with him came back, this time with a vengeance. 

‘No. You have to see this through. You can do this, Jeon Somi.’ Shaking her head as if to dispel the migraine, she swallowed a painkiller, breathing a sigh of relief as the pain started to subside after thirty minutes.

She immediately got dressed, opting for a casual look of white button-up crop top and blue jeans, a comfortable open white cardigan completing the look. 

As she did her makeup, she reassured herself yet again. “Somi, you can do this. This isn’t even about sticking it to Taeyong anymore. This is to show that you are capable of having a romantic relationship with someone other than him. Mark seems like a really sweet and fun guy, someone who you could really click with.”

Finishing her makeup, she put on her mask as well as the bracelet that her best friend Chaeyoung gifted her with her first paycheck. “You got this.”

-

‘Well, this is awkward.’Somi thought as she attempted to establish a conversation with Mark who was alternating between stealing furtive glances at her and when caught, staring shyly at the floor for the past twenty minutes.

Taking a sip of her drink, she smiled at him, causing him to blush even harder. “So, you’re from Vancouver, right? My uncle and his family live in Vancouver. I have been a couple of times too. It’s a great city. Really fun.”

He looked up at her, lighting up at the mention of Vancouver. “Oh, man, Vancouver is one of the best cities in the world. You have to go to the Capilano Suspension Bridge, the next time you’re there. It’s so cool. Taeyong hyung-”

Somi froze and stopped listening at the mention of Taeyong’s name. Nervously laughing to cover up the fact that she stopped listening, she fingered the bracelet only for Mark to shyly remark, “That’s a really nice bracelet, by the way.”

She smiled at the bracelet affectionately. “My friend Chaeyoung got it for me with her first paycheck. It’s one of the things I treasure the most.”

Mark mirrored the smile as he looked at Somi. “Do you still keep in touch with your friends from JYP? Like was it weird when you moved to the Black Label?”

Blinking in surprise, she admitted, “I do. At least with the people, I was closer to. Like Chaeyoung, Chan oppa, Hyunjin, and a couple of others. A lot of people thought I betrayed JYP when I left.” Sighing wistfully, she continued, “But I had to do it. And while I still get a lot of flack for having given up the opportunity of being in one of Kpop’s new monster girl groups, I am happy. I am learning so much from Teddy oppa and the other producers and I get to enjoy being normal sometimes. At the end of the day, it was a trade-off I don’t regret making.”

Mark stared at her in awe before responding, “That’s admirable actually. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my hyungs and I would not give up being in NCT for anything in the world. But sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to have remained in Canada and live a normal life in Canada, you know?” He chuckled in embarrassment when he finished, rubbing the back of his head. “Sorry about that. I have a tendency to ramble.”

Somi laughed affectionately. “It’s fine. I have a similar tendency too.”

She laughed again with this time, Mark joining in. 

-

It felt nice, Somi had to admit. She felt at ease with Mark. Once he got out of his shell, he had such a positive and relaxed energy that it was impossible not to be.   
He admittedly had a socially awkward sense of humor but it was to Somi’s taste. It was easy to banter with him and tease him in a good-natured fashion. 

They also had a surprisingly large number of mutual friends between them, so they also spent a good portion of their time together sharing funny anecdotes. He was easy to be with. Somi could now see why Mina fell so easily for him. 

And frankly, with Mark, Somi almost forgot all about Taeyong. 

Almost.

It had started during the time they were trying their luck at the crane machines when suddenly Somi’s song Outta My Head started to play. The relaxed yet sultry beat reverberated across the room, much to Somi’s embarrassment. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, she cringed and ran to the far end of the room, much to Mark’s amusement.

“Dude, it’s actually so good. You’re actually a really good composer.”Mark complimented, a sincere smile plastered on his face.

Somi shyly smiled at the compliment. “Thanks. Teddy and 24 oppa really helped me refine it though.”

“But tell me something. Did you really write this about pizza?”

Somi blushed a deep shade of vermillion. “O-of course. What else could I have written about? Huh, I am suddenly in the mood for some coke. Let’s go get some.”

She was obviously not going to tell Mark that she had written the song with Taeyong in mind. She wistfully remembered how every text from him that complimented her or even simply asked about how she was doing made her heart skip a beat, and how he drove her crazy with the slightest touch. 

She wanted him. She still wanted him. 

Bewildered, she tried to shake any thought of him out of her head and focused on the sweet guy in front of her, offering her a bottle of coke. But even with this amazing person right next to her, she couldn’t get Taeyong out of her mind. 

This inability worsened when they went to go get dessert. As they dug into their desserts, they began talking about role models. 

“I don’t even know where to begin,” She laughed, “But if I had to pick, Taemin sunbae.”

“Really?”Mark raised his eyebrows in pleasant surprise.

“Yup,”Somi nodded. “The way he performs is unforgettable. It leaves an impression on people’s minds. I want to be like that someday.”

“I actually really like Yunho Hyung a lot. He’s not only amazing on stage, but his attitude as a person is also very respectable.” Mark answered. He then shyly whispered, “Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I would never admit this out loud but I also want to be like Taeyong Hyung.”Mark admitted in a quiet voice, causing Somi to choke on her ice cream. 

Clearing her throat, she regained composure and tried her best to look nonchalant as she asked, “Really? Why so?”

“I mean...Taeyong hyung’s almost perfect. But he’s worked hard to get to that point. It’s really difficult leading a group but he’s rarely ever shown us any chinks in his armor. He’s always led us with a smile. That’s just the kind of guy he is, you know?”

Somi bit her lip as she smiled tightly at Mark, pretending that she did not already know all of this. But what Mark said next shocked her.

“But lately...he’s been kinda off. He...just looks so tired and angry all the time. He says it’s just stress but I think it’s something more…”

Guilt started to manifest within Somi, fully knowing that Taeyong’s current state was because of her. She had not known he was this affected. Wincing as the godforsaken migraine had now returned, she was grateful to Mark who suggested they go back since they were done.

-

Although his dorm was so much closer, Mark insisted on walking Somi back home like a gentleman. Looking straight ahead, Somi tried her best to ignore how miserable she felt. Taeyong had now completely invaded her thoughts and refused to leave.

Massaging her head with one hand to ease the pain, she felt someone’s fingers graze her hand, causing her to jolt in surprise. Mark, the culprit, looked embarrassed as he immediately withdrew. “I am sorry. I...I just...never mind.” He sighed, his face ablaze.

They finally got to her apartment building, causing Somi to breathe a sigh of relief. She turned to Mark and gave him the brightest smile she could muster. “I really had a lot of fun today. Thank you.”

“Same here. Today was really nice.” He grinned shyly, rubbing the back of his head. 

Chuckling, she turned around to enter the building when Mark suddenly said, “Wait.”

She turned back to face him. He walked up to her, eyes staring at hers although his face was a bright shade of red. “S-Somi,” He began, dropping the formalities before requesting in a quiet and hesitant voice, “C-Can I kiss you?” 

Somi’s eyes widened in a mixture of surprise and horror, not knowing how to respond. But looking at this sweet boy in front of her, the look on his face shy but eager, she did not know how to say no. 

‘If I kiss him, maybe I will feel butterflies in my stomach,' She thought, reasoning with herself. 'Maybe I will forget about Taeyong oppa. Maybe...just maybe…’ The thought trailed off as she nodded slowly, causing Mark’s face to light up. 

He then proceeded to press his lips against hers. It was shy and gentle just like him, Somi thought. 

But there were no fireworks that exploded as he kissed her, no butterflies in her stomach. 

All she could ultimately think about was the fact that Mark’s lips tasted nothing like green tea ice cream. 

She couldn’t do this anymore. Immediately pulling away, she rested her hands on his shoulders, looking away out of guilt. 

“Wait. What’s wrong?”Mark asked confusedly.

“Mark...listen, I can’t do this to you. I don’t deserve a guy like you. You are honestly such a sweet guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. I am just not that girl.” Finding the courage to look at him, she continued with a sigh, “I am in love with someone else. We are currently broken up and I doubt that we are ever going to really be together. But you don’t deserve a girl whose heart is with someone else. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally, who loves being with you without having someone else constantly be in her thoughts.”

Hearing this, Mark immediately backed away, his expression resembling a kicked puppy’s. A moment later, managing a small yet obviously false smile, he said, “Ah...I see. You are such an amazing person, so I guess that was inevitable. I just regret not being that guy. But I really did have a great time with you today. So I hope we can still be friends, Somi.”

Somi’s heart ached, the feeling of guilt overwhelming her. Mark really did not deserve this. ‘I am a terrible person.’ She thought, the tears that had been threatening to fall all this time finally rolling down her cheeks. 

Mark simply hugged her as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight off the sobs that engulfed her but to no avail. 

“Just let it all out, Somi.”Mark whispered as she cried, letting out all the plethora of feelings that she had pushed down. 

-

“Oh, it’s so cold,” Somi exclaimed with delight, savoring the bite of the green tea ice cream that Taeyong offered her. They were on their way back from their first date, Taeyong having insisted he walk her home. 

Taeyong simply chuckled, staring at her. She was so beautiful. He loved the way her honey brown eyes sparkled in the sunlight; the way she smiled at him, full of warmth and joy. 

He suddenly felt someone’s hand graze his, causing him to look down and back up to see a shy yet expectant Somi. His heart skipping a beat, he laced his fingers with hers, loving how her hand perfectly fit with his. 

She grinned, putting her head on his shoulder as she admitted in a quiet voice, “I don’t want today to end. It was perfect.”

He said nothing, simply holding her hand tighter and leaning his head against hers. He was so busy basking in her warmth that he forgot to pay attention to his ice cream that was now in the process of melting away in his free hand. 

Somi, noticing this, broke away, and laughed boisterously as she took out a wet wipe from her purse. “Oppa, you can be really inattentive sometimes.” She chided jokingly, wiping away the sticky substance from his hand. 

Taeyong just smiled at her, full of adoration, causing her to blush once she was finished. “What? Is there something on my face?”She asked, chuckling nervously.

He shook his head and immediately held her hand again, causing her to squeak in both embarrassment and joy as they resumed walking. 

They arrived at Somi’s apartment building, reluctant to part from one another. Taeyong wanted to kiss her. 

He struck up the courage to ask her for her permission, only to be beaten to the punch. “Can I kiss you, Oppa?”Somi asked. 

He simply leaned in to press his lips against hers, pleased when she wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. Her lips were soft and full, tasting like the strawberry ice cream that she consumed moments after buying it. It was a wonderful sensation.

Pulling away after what seemed like eternity, Somi buried her face in the crook of his neck, giggling. Taeyong wrapped his arms around her and embraced her tightly. She looked at him, her soft smile causing butterflies in his stomach. 

“Can I kiss you again?” She asked. In response, he pressed kisses all over her face before going back to her lips, causing her to giggle against his mouth. 

‘I want to be with you forever.’ He thought as he broke away, this time, burying his face in the crook of her neck. 

-

“I am back,” Mark called out, causing Taeyong, who was waiting anxiously for Mark to return, to immediately walk out of his room to hear about it. Everyone else was also gathered around, eager to listen to Mark.

“So how was it?”Johnny asked.

“Ah…can we talk about this later?”Mark asked, rubbing his neck. “I am tired.”

Everyone, including Taeyong, was confused. It was just the day before that Mark seemed excited about his date, so this sudden change was surprising.

“What’s wrong, Mark? Did it not go well? It’s fine if it-”

“I’M FINE! CAN YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!”Mark snapped angrily, causing everyone to flinch. This was seriously unlike him. 

Mark, taking advantage of their shock, just went into his room and slammed the door behind him. 

“Should we go talk to him?”Jungwoo asked; concern etched on his face.

“I will go talk to him,” Taeyong volunteered out of both concern and curiosity, “But for now, he needs some time.”

Everyone nodded in agreement as they went back to whatever they were doing, although now the atmosphere had become a lot tenser. 

An hour or so later, Taeyong knocked on Mark’s door, holding a small carton of banana milk. “Mark, can I come in?”

“Hyung, I just want to be left alone,” Mark responded, albeit, weakly.

“I have banana milk.”

There was a short moment of violence before Mark assented. “Fine. Come in.”

Smiling in spite of himself, Taeyong entered the room where Mark was lying on his bed, earphones in his ear. Although Mark tried to look his normal self, Taeyong noticed the puffy red look of his eyes as well as the tear stains on his cheeks. 

Concerned, Taeyong asked, “Hey, what happened between you and Somi-sshi? You can tell me.”

Hesitating for a while, Mark immediately confided everything in Taeyong. 

About how at the end of their date, when he kissed her, Somi immediately pulled away and told him that she was in love with someone else and that she could not be with him all while knowing that someone else was constantly in her head and heart. About how she then immediately broke down and sobbed in his arms for a full fifteen minutes, telling him about the long periods of insecurity and low self-esteem she had endured, keeping their relationship a secret from even their loved ones. 

Although Taeyong was initially ecstatic at hearing that Somi was still in love with him, he immediately felt guilty for not only being the reason that Mark got his hopes dashed but also being the reason that Somi was carrying around such a huge emotional burden.

Mark continued with a disapproving shake of his head, “I don’t understand how anyone could put someone like her through so much. She’s an amazing person and doesn’t deserve crap like this.”

He hated himself at that moment for being a selfish human being. If he had not been so fixated on only how he felt, he could have seen her perspective on things. Jeon Somi did not deserve a relationship like this. Jeon Somi deserved to be happy. 

‘Perhaps,’ he mused sadly, ‘I do really need to let her go. All I want for her is to be happy and this is not how it’s going to happen.’


	4. Chapter 4

Somi woke up to the incessant ringing of her phone. Groggy, she received the call without a second look at the caller ID. “Hello?”She asked, yawning.

“Hey, Somi. This is Seulgi.”

That immediately woke Somi up who sat up on her bed, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. ‘What could she possibly want?’Somi thought as she replied to the older girl. “Hi, eonnie. What’s up?”

“Do you have time right now? I want to talk to you. Could we meet at the cafe near your place?”

Somi was confused as to what Seulgi could possibly want. But she acquiesced. “Sure, eonnie. What time?”

\--

Somi stared at the older girl who was stirring her drink with a straw, avoiding eye contact. Seulgi was immaculately dressed, her face perfectly made up. Looking at her, Somi, bare-faced and casually dressed in a hoodie and jeans, felt inadequate. Despite how hard she tried, she could not push away the images of Seulgi and Taeyong together, and the headache that had plagued her since she agreed to go out with Mark reappeared.

‘Ignore it, Somi. You can get through this.’ She said to herself as Seulgi finally decided to look at her and speak. 

“Somi-yah, thank you for meeting with me. You must be wondering why I called you here.”Seulgi said, an awkward smile on her face. 

Somi returned the awkward smile with one of her own as she said, “Oh, of course. I am always happy to hang out. But I was admittedly curious about the reason.”

The smile disappeared from Seulgi’s face as she traced the rim of her glass. Sighing, she said hesitantly, “I wanted to talk to you about the last time we met; about what I said regarding my...thing with Taeyong.”

Somi froze, steeling herself for what was to come. Trying her best to change the topic, she said with an awkward chuckle, “Eonnie, I love you, but revisiting the details of your fling with Taeyong-shhi…”

“I lied. And I know that the two of you were-are- I don’t even know anymore- together..”Seulgi interrupted.

Somi’s eyes widened as she asked, “What do you mean you lied? And how did you know?”

Seulgi bit her lip and turned her head to look away, hesitating to answer. But after a moment, she once again met eyes with Somi and started to explain. “This is a long story…”

\--  
“Kang Seulgi, you need to get over that boy. He’s obviously not worth it, if he does not recognize how amazing you are.” Irene chided as she shimmied into an off-shoulder black dress. 

Seulgi looked at Irene, a picture of elegance and perfection. She then took a look at herself in the mirror, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks tear-stained. Her makeup was completely smudged and all over the place, which also ruined the sleeve of her oversized hoodie. Well, Jinyoung’s oversized hoodie. 

After being friends with and having a crush on the GOT7 member for the longest time, she finally mustered up the courage to confess her feelings for him. Only for him to reject them. The way he incredulously stared at her as he scrambled to find a way to politely reject her feelings was seared into her mind. 

“Seulgi-ah, I am really flattered. You would make any guy happy. Really. And I wish I could return your feelings but I can’t. Truth is, I like someone else. I haven’t said anything to her and don’t think she will ever like me back but I really like her. And in the hopes of her someday maybe accepting how I feel, I want to be able to wait. And me accepting your feelings while fully knowing that I like someone else would not be fair on you or me. So I am sorry.”

Going back into the present, Irene held her by the shoulders and gently shook her, her large eyes burrowing into Seulgi’s. “Seulgi, you are a beautiful and talented girl. And if Jinyoung can’t recognize that, there are definitely a lot more guys who will. So what you need is to get dressed to the nines, go to this party and find someone to...destress with.” She ended with a suggestive wink, causing Seulgi to blush in embarrassment. 

“Eonnie…”Seulgi sighed in resignation, “You know what? You’re right. Fuck it. Might as well. Let me go get dressed.”

-

In spite of her expectations, Seulgi found herself enjoying the party. It was nice to see all of her friends and colleagues in a more intimate setting, given how everyone had been working hard with their own schedules. Taking a breather after downing a shot with Sehun, Jongin, and Johnny, she scanned her surroundings and noticed Taeyong in the corner, drinking soju by himself. He seemed to be in a pensive mood, his hands gripping on the bottle. 

“Hey Johnny, what’s up with Taeyong?”Seulgi asked the younger man,

Johnny shrugged, his face red. He said with a hiccup, “I am not quite sure. He’s been this way for the past few days now. Whenever we try to talk to him, he just shuts off and retreats. At this point, we are just giving him his space.”

Frowning, she went up to Taeyong, who, in spite of being relatively inebriated, still looked handsome. Looking up, his eyes met with hers and he smiled lopsidedly. “Hey, noona. What’s up?”

Taking a seat next to him, she replied, “Just came here to keep you company. But I could ask you the same thing. You seem unlike yourself.”

At that, Taeyong started to tear up. Staring right into Seulgi’s eyes, he started to ramble, “Noona, am I an idiot? Why do I keep letting go of one of the best things that has ever happened to me? And I keep hurting her and myself in the process. I am honestly so stupid.”

Seulgi raised an eyebrow in confusion. ‘Her? Who could it be?’ Pouring a shot for Taeyong and herself, she said encouragingly, “Let’s talk.”

Soon, the shots multiplied, and both Taeyong and Seulgi were completely buzzed. Seulgi watched as Taeyong ran his fingers through his hair, the action surprisingly causing her to blush. Just then, Irene’s suggestive words echoed in her mind. ‘Find someone to destress with.’ 

She shook her head to get rid of Irene’s words but to no avail. The haziness brought about the alcohol taking over, she took another look at Taeyong who seemed even more attractive than usual. ‘He’s heartbroken, I am heartbroken. And he’s gorgeous. And this is just a one-time thing. Take the leap, Kang Seulgi.’

And so she did. 

Throwing all caution to the wind, in spite of all the stares of the others focused on them, she kissed him and surprisingly, he kissed back. Tugging on his collar to deepen the kiss, she dragged him to the women’s bathroom that was thankfully empty. 

She pushed him towards the wall, her hands fumbling with his belt as she continued kissing him. But just then, he mumbled something against her mouth that made her stop, a tsunami of sobriety now washing over her. 

“Somi.” He mumbled drunkenly. “I love you. Please don’t ever leave. I love you.”

Seulgi stared at the younger man, shocked out of her mind. ‘Somi? As in Jeon Somi? How and when did this happen?’She thought. 

And then instead of Taeyong, she saw an apologetic Jinyoung in front of her. “Seulgi-ah, I am really flattered. You would make any guy happy. Really. And I wish I could return your feelings but I can’t. Truth is, I like someone else...”His words echoed, causing a bitter feeling to form in the back of her throat. 

‘Why is it that the men I tend to go for end up liking someone else?’She asked herself, staring at Taeyong who was now slumped on the floor, close to passing out. 

She then thought of Somi. Gorgeous and talented, absolute fun to be around. How could Seulgi ever compete? Jealousy started to rear its ugly head as frustrated tears pricked Seulgi’s eyes. Wiping them away, she tidied herself and walked out of the bathroom, motioning Johnny and the others to get Taeyong. 

-

Seulgi stared at Somi who was having an animated conversation with Chungha. Her features lighting up with every word that came out of her mouth, Somi looked stunning. 

Seulgi bit the inside of her lip to erase the irrational feelings of jealousy that appeared. It had been a few weeks since the incident with Taeyong occurred and awkwardness could not even begin to describe the interactions between the two. Primarily because of how Taeyong thought they went even further than making out. The rumors still had not died down, much to her chagrin. But it was thankfully contained within the company. 

“Seulgi eonnie? So how did it go?”Somi asked, disrupting her thoughts. Coming back to reality, Seulgi responded with an apologetic smile, “Yes, could you come again? I must have zoned out for a bit.”

“Oh, you’re good. I was asking about your confession to Jinyoung oppa. How did it go?”

Seulgi froze as she hesitantly answered, “It...it did not go well. He likes someone else.”

The expectant smiles on Somi and Chungha’s faces disappeared, as it was replaced by an expression of pity and a sort of empathetic disappointment. 

“I am so sorry.”They chimed in unison. 

Seulgi’s eye twitched in anger-she could not explain why but she was angry. Irationally angry but angry nonetheless. She was angry at Jinyoung, Taeyong, and the two girls currently trying to comfort her. She needed a punching bag; to inflict upon someone the same amount of hurt and anxiety she felt. And while Seulgi ultimately regretted what she did next, at the time, it was a much needed moment of release. 

“It’s fine. I am over it,”She lied, a tight smile plastered on her face. Taking a sip of her coffee, she continued, “I actually...got with someone else that night.”

“Oooh, who?”Chungha asked.

“Taeyong.”

Somi choked on her drink as she stared at Seulgi, a plethora of expressions showing on her face. Seulgi could tell that the younger girl was upset and she felt guilty. But for some reason, she could not stop talking about the so-called ‘fling’ she had with Taeyong. It was cathartic, in a strange, messed up way. 

\--  
“But eventually, the guilt got to me. It has been eating me up inside. And I knew that I just had to tell you. I know what I did was screwed up and you probably don’t even want to look at me, but I am sorry. I really am, so if-”Seulgi was interrupted by Somi placing her hand over hers. 

“It’s okay, eonnie. I don’t really have the moral high ground to say anything to you. And actually, I can relate. The irrational and misplaced feelings of anger, anxiety, and jealousy, eats away at you, and sometimes, you can’t help but want to hurt someone,”She stopped, thinking about the Mark incident, “To let them feel the way you are feeling. It is fucked up, and I hate it but it happens.”

“Really? So you’re okay. That’s a relief.”Seulgi sighed with relief, causing Somi to smile. Then, after a moment, she continued, “ For what it’s worth, Somi, Taeyong is so in love with you. Even when he was with me and drunk out of his mind, he only had you in mind. And I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s a man you should keep.”

Somi hesitated but she knew Seulgi was right. At the very least, she had to talk to him. Just then, she got a text message from Teddy, asking her to come to the studio for a recording session.

“Ah, eonnie. I need to go now. But as for the thing with Taeyong oppa, I don’t know how it is going to go but regardless, I want to thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about.” Smiling at the older girl, Somi immediately got up from the table and left the cafe. 

-  
“Alright, that’s great, Somi! Let’s take five.”Teddy shot her a thumbs up approvingly, causing her to giggle. “I am going to go get something to eat. Do you want anything?”

“No, I am good. I am going to get some takeout. Thanks though.”Somi stepped out of the recording booth, stretching her arms. Being in the studio, recording and tinkering around with beats, was usually therapeutic for her. But currently, as she recorded the demo for her comeback, she was wracking her head over what to do about Taeyong. 

She loved Taeyong. She wanted him. But she knew that if they were going to work, they needed to get rid of the jealousy and insecurity between them. At least, she did. She was sick and tired of feeling inferior to every woman Taeyong interacted with. 

Of course, it was not his fault. She knew he loved her just as much as she did him. But how could she tell someone so perfect that she felt so undeserving of him sometimes? Knowing him, he probably would have called her beautiful, but after years of being bullied and criticized for being ‘unconventional’, how could she believe it?

“Hello…”A female voice called, breaking Somi out of her trance. Turning her head towards the direction of the door, she saw Jennie who was grinning at her. Returning the grin, she went to hug the older woman. 

“Eonnie. What are you doing here?”

“I heard you and Teddy oppa were here, so I just came by to hang out. How are you doing, kiddo?”Jennie patted her on the back.

“I am good...but” Somi hesitated. 

“But?”Jennie asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Somi looked at the older girl. Despite the promise she made with Taeyong to keep things as clandestine as possible, it was driving her crazy. All she wanted to do was to ask someone for advice. To understand this situation from a relatively neutral point of view. And who better than Jennie? But she bit the inside of her lip, determined to not spill everything.

“But...I am hungry. Can we get some fried chicken?”Somi grinned, causing Jennie to laugh.

“Sure.”

Within thirty minutes, Somi and Jennie were munching on chicken wings, giggling as they exchanged jokes and stories. 

“Ah, eonnie, before I forget, I heard a snippet of the track that you and Jisoo eonnie helped with a while back. It’s beautiful.”Somi complimented. 

Jennie smiled appreciatively. “Thank you. I am probably going to tell them to just trash it, but I do appreciate the good feedback.”

“Oh, but why? It sounds amazing. It’s too good to toss.”

Jennie’s smile turned wistful. “It’s just...it comes from a place of heartbreak and pain. And I don’t know whether I can really explore it further.”  
Somi frowned knowingly. She knew Jennie was talking about Kai. Their relationship was torn apart and scrutinized by the press and fans alike, that experience being the main reason as to why Somi and Taeyong agreed on keeping their relationship under wraps. Of course, Kai and Jennie tried to make things work, but like numerous idol relationships, it was hard and eventually, they cracked. 

“Eonnie, if you don’t mind me asking, what do you think went wrong?”

Jennie sighed, taking a sip of her water. Hesitating for a moment, she answered, “Honestly, many things. After we publicly ‘broke up’, we decided to give things a go. And at first, it was fine. Great, even. It was nice being able to go about, doing things without the scrutiny of the public. But eventually, we began to fight. Over the most stupid things really. The jealousy, the insecurity, it grew and grew until it just bubbled over. And we never really addressed it. It was the same thing over and over. Then, one day, it was all over. Permanently.”

Jennie was now starting to tear up. Somi quietly handed her a tissue, musing about how similar her situation was to Jennie’s. ‘Is this what it’s going to be like?’She thought pensively. ‘Maybe it might be best to leave it this way. Save myself the heartbreak.’

“But…”Jennie continued, breaking Somi out of her trance. “The one thing I wish I could do if I could do it all over again, is to just talk it out with Jongin oppa. I wish I never really kept these ugly, toxic feelings inside of me until it exploded. Maybe, just maybe, if I addressed my insecurities, we probably would have found some common ground and not fought so much. But I guess it’s too late.” 

Jennie flashed an apologetic smile to Somi. “I am sorry for babbling on about my life. It’s just...this isn’t something I have really said out loud. But I didn’t mean to bore you. Anyway, where were we? Yes, so tell me-”

“I don’t think it’s too late, eonnie. You should tell Jongin sunbae everything. You shouldn’t let go of something like that.” Somi interrupted, simultaneously getting up. “Could you excuse me for just a moment? Tell Teddy oppa I need to go to the bathroom for a bit. I will be right back.”

Jennie rose an eyebrow in confusion but she acquiesced nonetheless. “Sure.”

Walking out the door, Somi went to a secluded corner, scrolling through her contacts to find Taeyong’s number. ‘Come on, oppa. Please pick up.’She thought as the phone rang. 

\--  
Taeyong thought back to the day Mark told him what had happened on his date with Somi. The way she cried endlessly for fifteen minutes, obviously hurt and tired over their relationship. ‘Maybe things would become better if we end things for good. I don’t want her to cry over this anymore.’He ruminated. 

“Taeyong hyung.”Haechan called. “We’re going to grab a bite to eat at the cafeteria. Let’s go.”

“Just give me a sec.”Taeyong responded. 

He started to type a message to Somi asking her to meet when suddenly, her name flashed across his screen. Eyes widening, he immediately picked up the call. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, oppa. Do you have time tonight? Could we meet somewhere? I want to talk.”

Taeyong hesitated for a moment. Tonight was the night that he and the others were going out to celebrate the upcoming debut of Shotaro and Sungchan, their newest members. But he needed to see her. 

“Yeah for sure. Let’s meet at my dorm. Is 9PM okay with you?”

“That’s perfect. See you then.”

\--  
“Taeyong, are you sure you’re alright? We can do this some other time.”Johnny said, concern etched on his face.

“No, no. I insist you guys go and have a good time. I just need time to recuperate.”Taeyong said, smiling reassuringly. 

Taeyong felt guilty. In order to get out of going, he faked a migraine. It was easily believable, given the stress he had as a leader of a group as huge as NCT. But he could not deny that the disappointed looks of his members made him feel terrible. Nevertheless, he needed to talk to Somi.

“Bye guys.”He waved goodbye to the rest of his members. 

As soon as the last of them poured out of the door, he began to feverishly clean the already tidy apartment. This was the first time Somi ever visited the apartment since they chose to rendezvous at her apartment. Something about living with nine other guys was just not private.

In the middle of cleaning, the doorbell rang. Taeyong gave himself one thorough check in the mirror. He took a deep breath and told himself, “You can do this. The two of you are adults and are capable of having a mature conversation, whatever it might be about.”

Taking another deep breath, he opened the door, revealing Somi. She was casually dressed, hat, and glasses on to avoid too much suspicion. 

“Somi, hey. Come in. So what did you-”Taeyong was interrupted by Somi crashing her lips against his. Closing the door behind her, she murmured against his mouth. “I missed this, oppa.”

Taeyong was shocked but he found himself responding, kissing her with just as much force as he circled his arms around her waist. Her lips tasted of cherry lip balm and her breath had the telltale sign of rice wine. Her kiss was heady-despite his brain telling him to stop, he wanted more. 

Tugging on his collar, she pulled him towards the couch. Pushing him against the couch, she took off his shirt and started to kiss him on the neck, scraping the skin with her teeth. Hissing in pleasure, Taeyong slipped his fingers underneath her shirt, palming the soft skin of her curves. Groaning, she straddled him. With a smirk, she took off her shirt, revealing her perfect, round breasts, covered by a black lace bra. 

Taeyong was mesmerized. Somi was an absolute sight to see. Her hair was tousled, her full pink lips deliciously bruised, her chest heaving because of the onslaught of pleasure. The color of her bra contrasted nicely against her pale and flawless skin. 

Taeyong sat up, brushing his lips against her chest. Somi moaned, pushing his head closer to her chest. Her skin was warm and it smelled of green tea and vanilla. It was intoxicating and all he wanted to do was mark her and whisper into her ear that she was his and his only. 

However, at the same time, the rational part of him thought of what this would entail afterward. As amazing as it was to be around her and to touch her, it also hurt. And he did not want to hurt her either. 

This had to stop. He had to stop.

“Somi.”He whispered.

Somi paid no attention, trailing butterfly kisses down his chest and stomach. He groaned, not wanting her to stop. But as she began to undo the button of his jeans, he was immediately brought back to reality.

“Somi!”He exclaimed, pulling her up. 

She stared at him with a confused expression. Sighing, he looked into her eyes and firmly said, “We need to talk.”


	5. Chapter 5

‘The one thing I wish I could do if I could do it all over again is to just talk it out with Jongin oppa. I wish I never really kept these ugly, toxic feelings inside of me until it exploded. Maybe, just maybe, if I addressed my insecurities, we probably would have found some common ground and not fought so much.’ Jennie’s words rang throughout Somi’s head as she paced throughout her apartment nervously.

She looked at the clock. She had thirty minutes left before she was supposed to meet Taeyong and talk to him. 

Taking three deep breaths, she said to herself, “Ennik Somi Douma, you can do this. You’re an adult and you’re capable of having an adult conversation.”

Her throat suddenly felt parched. Gulping, she went to the fridge to get some water for herself when she spotted the bottle of potent rice wine she had made with her family a few days ago. ‘Maybe some liquid courage might do the trick.’

She took a swig of the delicious rice wine, the liquid immediately quenching her thirst. A swig then turned to two, then three, and within minutes, she downed half of the bottle. While Somi was by no means drunk, she felt as if her inhibitions were instantly reduced; like she could do anything she wanted to. 

She called a cab so as to avoid any telltale signs of her activity. And soon, after taking another deep breath to let the buzz of the wine settle, she headed out the door to meet Taeyong.

Minutes later, she was in front of Taeyong’s apartment. Adrenaline pumped throughout her veins as she rang the doorbell. The door soon opened to reveal Taeyong who looked disheveled yet as handsome as ever.

Somi did not know what came over at that moment but the combination of seeing Taeyong after so long and the potent wine sparked something within her. This led her to crash her lips against his while he was mid-sentence. 

Closing the door behind her, she murmured against his mouth. “I missed this, oppa.”

To her delight, he responded with just as much force, circling his arms around her waist. She wanted him. She wanted every part of him; the good and the bad. He was like an intoxicating drug, and she wanted everything he had to offer. 

Tugging on his collar, she pulled him towards the couch. Pushing him against the couch, she took off his shirt and started to kiss him on the neck, scraping the skin with her teeth. His skin smelled like expensive perfume, the spicy and fruity scent permeating her senses. Her pleasure was heightened as Taeyong palmed the soft skin of her curves, causing her to moan. 

She then straddled him and not wasting a second, she took off her shirt, revealing her chest. She loved the way Taeyong looked at her at the moment; it made her feel beautiful, a feeling that often escaped her. This feeling increased as Taeyong brushed his lips against her chest, causing her to gasp. She found herself wanting even more, leading her butterfly kisses down his chest and stomach. 

“Somi.”Taeyong whispered hoarsely but she paid no attention, putting her focus on undoing the button of his jeans. 

“Somi!”He then exclaimed, pulling her up. 

A wave of sobriety washed over her, as she stopped and confusedly stared at him for an explanation. Sighing, Taeyong looked into her eyes and firmly said, “We need to talk.”

\--

“We need to talk,”Taeyong said. He was going to do this. He was going to let her go. 

But then his eyes then wandered down to her chest, causing him to cough in embarrassment. Handing her her shirt, he said, “But first, could you put on your shirt, please?”

As she slipped her shirt back on, Taeyong continued, “Somi, I am sorry but we cannot do this anymore.”

Somi’s eyes widened, registering what he just said to her. Her face then contorted, expressing pain, shock, and confusion all at once. It hurt him immensely to see her like this but he had to, for the both of them.

He continued to hammer in the nails in the coffin. “This was a mistake in the first place. I should have never told you how I felt. We should have just stayed friends and avoid all that heartbreak. I am sorry for putting you through this.”

Somi then started to tear up, causing his heart to ache. But after a moment, she stood up, wiping her tears away. A weak smile on her face, she said, “I see how it is. Well, I guess this means I should leave. Thank you for all the memories, Taeyong sunbae.”

The use of a formal term stuck a knife into Taeyong’s heart. It signified that whatever they had between the two of them was finally over. He immediately started to regret his words.

“Somi-”He started in a reconciliatory attempt but he only heard the door slam. 

She was gone. For good, this time.

‘I did the right thing.’ He told himself.

But why did it feel so wrong?

\--

The next day, Mark came out of his room, his head lightly pounding from the events of last night. The night was entertaining, to say the least. Haechan, getting drunk, decided to challenge the rest of the Dream members to a dance battle out on the street. Kun, the de facto mother of the group, worried about the embarrassment of having to deal with the younger men in public, had a tough time convincing them to wait until they got back to the dorm, much to the collective disappointment of many of the members. Regardless, after getting back to the dorm, the Dream members had their dance battle, with the rest of the members (sans Taeyong) soon joining in. 

It was strange that Taeyong did not stir even once despite the noise but Mark did not think much of it. Pouring himself a glass of milk, Mark shuffled towards the living room to watch cartoons. Finding something he liked on TV, he sat down on the couch, only to be greeted by a sharp pain on his backside.

Yelping in pain, he pulled out the object responsible, which turned out to be a silver bracelet with the initial S attached to it. Mark examined it closely, feeling like he had seen it before.

‘My friend Chaeyoung got it for me with her first paycheck. It’s one of the things I treasure the most.’Mark remembered Somi’s words as she looked at it affectionately. It then dawned on him that the bracelet belonged to her.

“This is so weird. How did the bracelet end up here?”He said to no one in particular. 

Mark’s mind drifted off to the day when Somi broke down, telling him that she was in love with someone else and that she could not be with him in spite of the two of them not being together anymore. He then remembered the brief yet strange exchange Taeyong and Somi had when Mark first asked her out. Soon, Mark put two and two together and realized that the man that Somi was in love with was most probably none other than Taeyong.

“It can’t be.” Gripping the bracelet, a plethora of feelings ranging from curiosity to envy gnawed at him. “But let me just ask.”

-

Taeyong stared at himself in the mirror, frowning at the way he looked. He looked like a ghost, dark circles rimming his eyes. After the incident with Somi, he stayed up the whole night, unable to sleep. It did not help that the members came back and partied on until the wee hours of the night. 

A knock on his door brought him back.   
“Come in.”

Mark entered his room, an unreadable expression on his face. “Hyung…”

“What is it, Mark? Is everything okay?”

Saying nothing, Mark just flashed him a silver bracelet. Taeyong froze in shock. It was Somi’s bracelet, which probably slipped off her wrist during their little tryst.

“What is Somi’s bracelet doing here, hyung?”Mark asked, gripping it tighter.

“Mark, I can explain…”

“Are you the guy that Somi’s in love with?”Mark interrupted, his tone becoming lower, almost dangerously so. 

Taeyong sighed, seeing no point to beating around the bush. “...Yes. But it’s over now. I ended it last night. For good.”

“What?” The expression on Mark’s face changed into that of shock. “Hyung, are you crazy? You have a beautiful girl that is head over heels in love with you. Why would you give that up?”

“...It’s complicated, Mark. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me. How complicated can it be?”

Sighing, Taeyong told Mark the whole story. How they met, how they got together, how they used to fight constantly over minute issues and misunderstandings, how they used to patch up shortly after, causing it to start all over. Once Taeyong was done, Mark stared at him, eyebrows raised.

“It’s not complicated at all, hyung.”

It was now Taeyong’s turn to stare at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Hyung, I love you but you are literally incapable of keeping a secret that big. And Somi, knowing how she is, is probably the same. Keeping a secret that big, even from your friends and loved ones, especially if they’re someone like you, would drive anyone crazy and cause misunderstandings. And these misunderstandings can be easily solved by just talking it out. Hyung, you are literally such a boss at conflict management, so I don’t understand how you can act so inexperienced when it comes to your personal life.”

Taeyong mulled over what Mark said, unaffected by the chiding tone of his words. It was completely valid but the question remained as to whether they were both willing to give it a try again, this time making the changes necessary to fix the flaws underneath. 

“I don’t know, Mark…”Taeyong ran his hand through his hair in frustration over not knowing what to do. “There’s a lot to talk about in that case.”

Mark huffed in annoyance. “Hyung, I have said what I needed to say. Now, it’s just up to you. But you have to act quickly. Otherwise, some other guy is going to snatch her up and won’t let go.”

“What do you mean?”Taeyong asked but by then, Mark was already out of the door.

\--

“Wow.”Taeyong whispered, not being able to stop staring at Somi who was dressed in a beautiful white gown that hugged her curves. 

The two of them were part of the same lineup for a concert, and she was also one of the MCs, co-hosting with Bomin, a popular boy group member. 

Somi made it a point to ignore and avoid Taeyong as much as possible, choosing to stick with the other performers and Bomin. Taeyong hated the way Bomin stared at Somi and found excuses to touch her. And Somi, who was oblivious, did not care, her focus mainly on not even looking in Taeyong’s general direction.

“She’s gorgeous. I am going to go talk to her.”Lucas said, getting up from his seat. Taeyong realized that the younger man was talking about Somi. 

Scrambling to stop him, Mark beat Taeyong to it, stating that it was awkward to approach someone during an event like this. Mark then shot a look at Taeyong, telling him to go talk to Somi. 

Taeyong looked away, instead choosing to look at Kai, who was giddily texting Jennie. The two had recently gotten back together, much to the older man’s delight, who would not stop texting and calling the Blackpink member whenever he had time. 

“So I take it that things are going well with Jennie-sshi?”Taeyong asked in an effort to distract himself from his own thoughts.

“Hmm, yup, I guess you could say so. Amazing, in fact.”Kai grinned. “We just needed to address the issues we had and talk it out like adults. And now, we’re taking it slow and steady.”

Taeyong smiled at the older man. Kai was practically beaming with happiness, which was nice to see. He had taken their breakup very hard, unable to properly focus on his work. 

“I guess I have Somi-sshi to thank,”Kai said. 

“Excuse me?”

“Jennie told me that Somi apparently told her that it was not too late and we could still make things work. So, if it hadn’t been for her, Jennie and I might not have gotten back together.”

“Is that so?”Taeyong asked, looking at her. At that moment, Somi stared back into his eyes and although she looked away, no one could deny the faint red blush on her cheeks.

\--

“Taeyong sunbae, you have to stop doing this. You can’t just drag someone into a closet to talk.”Somi hissed, confused and annoyed at the situation. 

“I am sorry, Somi-yah. This was just the most private place I could find. It’s just...I want to apologize. For the way I dealt with...this that night.”Taeyong looked at her apologetically, holding her hand.

Somi’s expression softened, unconsciously tightening her hold on his hand. However, a moment later, her face hardened and she let go of his hand. “It’s okay, sunbae. Can I leave now? My manager…”

“I also want to apologize for the lack of communication that the two of us had. Maybe if we talked it out more, we would have been able to prevent some of the fights that we had. I-”

“Oppa.”Somi interrupted with a sigh. “Well, it takes two hands to clap. I should have also told you if something was bothering me. It’s just...I didn’t want you to think that I was weak.”

“Weak? What do you mean?”

“Oppa. Look at you and then look at me. People think that you are one of the leaders of the new generation. And you can’t lie to me and say that girls…beautiful, amazing girls who I can’t even dream of competing with...don’t throw themselves at you. The insecurity that I felt daily became a huge complex but how could I have brought it up with you without me looking pathetic? I-”

“Somi.” He cupped her cheeks and started to rant. “How can you, of all people, be insecure? You are one of the bravest, most confident people I have ever met. You took a risk by moving to the Black Label to find yourself as an artist rather than conforming to what everyone expected of you. I find the way you just explore your interests and talents without caring about what anyone else has to say is so admirable, you have no idea. And yes, I admit that girls have flirted with me from time to time. But why should I care when I have you- the craziest, most unconventional, the most beautiful girl I have ever met? Jeon Somi, you are like a ray of sunshine during a cloudy day. The way you hold the attention of the room is amazing. So if anything, I should be the one that should feel insecure. And it only worsened when you suggested not telling anyone. It felt like you were ashamed of me.”

Somi gasped in shock. “Oppa. I could never be ashamed of you. The reason why I suggested that was because I was worried that people would think that I wouldn't be able to measure up to you. And that you would see it yourself and just leave me hanging. It would have hurt me immensely. But in retrospect, not being able to tell anyone drove me crazy, so that didn’t work out either.” She chuckled awkwardly, causing Taeyong to smile affectionately.

“Given that I have seen quite a few of my members practically drooling over you, you don’t have to worry about that.” He joked, causing her to laugh. He basked in the warmth of her laughter and then, taking on a more serious tone, he continued, “Jeon Somi, I am absolutely in love with you. If you will have me, can we start this again? This time, with more communication and telling our friends and loved ones.”

Somi said nothing, instead choosing to pull Taeyong closer and kissing him. He smiled against her lips, deepening the kiss. “Didn’t you say your manager was looking for you?”He murmured.

Breaking the kiss, she simply grinned at Taeyong. “He can wait. This is better.”

\--

“Lee Taeyong, why didn’t you tell me that you aggravated your back injury?”Somi scolded over the phone. “I had to hear about it on the news.”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”Taeyong winced at the dull throbbing pain in his back. “But I am still going to come over for Christmas Eve.”

“What? Nonsense. You’re going to rest. And I will just come to visit you tomorrow.”

“Fine.”Taeyong sighed. “I will see you tomorrow, then. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Taeyong pouted. Because of the injury, he could not perform with his fellow members in the year-end music shows or be with Somi and her family for Christmas, thus throwing all of his plans down the toilet.

Downing the painkiller the doctor described, he got into his bed, soon drifting off to sleep. After a few hours, he woke up to a smiling Somi. Taken aback, he immediately sat up, groaning in pain.   
Horrified, Somi profusely apologized. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I felt bad about you being all alone today, so I came over to be with you. I thought I’d surprise you, but I guess it was kind of creepy.”

“No, no, you’re good. I was just a bit surprised. I am really happy that you’re here.” Taeyong scooched over, patting on the empty space next to him. “Come here.”

Somi grinned, immediately getting into Taeyong’s bed. She nuzzled against his chest, wrapping her arms around him. “This is nice.”

“It is.”He stroked her hair. “But what about your family?”

“They understood. They felt just as bad as I did, about the thought of you being all alone on Christmas Eve. My mother sent over some food, and Evelyn got you a present as well.”

Taeyong chuckled. “That’s sweet of them. Did you get me anything?”He asked jokingly.

“What do you mean? I thought I was your present. I am offended.”Somi played along, huffing in mock anger for effect. “But in all seriousness, I did. It’s on the table in the living room, along with the other things.”

“What did I do to deserve you, Jeon Somi?”

“I don’t know, you must have saved a village in your past life.”Somi joked, giggling. “I am just kidding. If anything, I should be asking you this. I love you, oppa.”

“I love you too, Somi.”He kissed her on the forehead.

After a moment of comfortable silence, she asked, “When are your members coming back again?”

“Not until later tonight. Why?”

Somi grinned mischievously, whispering into his ear, “I want to give you another present.”

Immediately understanding, Taeyong stammered, “I-I would love to...but my b-back…”

“Don’t worry, oppa. You don’t have to move a lot for what I am going to do.”


End file.
